Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
You Might Also Like
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.