Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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White parent Vs Arab parents
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.