I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.