I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
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My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO