Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
How software testing works
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“A little help here, Danny?”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*