If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
You Might Also Like
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.