The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
kevin is now a local weatherman
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another