what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again