This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Is anyone gonna tell them?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
car not found
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.