I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
This is the best one I’ve seen
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes