My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
This made me smile…
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.