Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
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*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”