Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
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Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Steam Forums
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
constantly working on myself.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.