This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I bet
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Previously On Persistence 😎
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.