I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Warm pools make me nervous.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Meow
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that