When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
when there are deer in the woods
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
this is so top tier i cant
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry