New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.