I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Noah was an idiot.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)