oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
found this cool rock hiking today
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Not even remotely sorry.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.