I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.