I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored