I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!