A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking