Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Boating season is upon us.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My wife gives the best headache.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.