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Matt Goss
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.