Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food