My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Pee pressure > peer pressure
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.