I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.