Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
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[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
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If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.