“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Tier 3 meme
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that