When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
buys donuts instead
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume