ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues