What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank