The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.