Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,