Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I got bills
They’re multiplying
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.