85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.