Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism