Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts