All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
There is no try. There is only give up.
i did the math
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Remember folks 😂
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*