Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I have so many questions.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)