onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
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The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.