Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.