When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.