jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Holy shit he’s back
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink