Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜