Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I pray every night that I never become religious…