What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
This trial is so absurd 😭
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!