My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.