Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
the council will decide your fate
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”